My Three Year Marriage Testimony

 
 

I have been with hubby for three years, and they say the first-two years of marriage are the toughest. Well, I believe it. I found out a few months before we got engaged that he had an issue watching pornography. I discovered it in the house. He lied perfectly, but I had the evidence and proved him wrong.

  

He cried and told me the truth after seeing how much he hurt me. He was humble about it after that and began praying each day with me, reading his bible, and going to church every Sunday. He led me to believe he developed a close relationship with Christ since that day. I trusted him somewhat for a while after our wedding until I felt the urge to look around again. I would see things like old, outdated email accounts on the computer and stacks of filthy magazines in the shed. I searched and searched, continuing to find things that I couldn’t prove.  Why?  Because I didn’t know for sure that he was still looking at it.

  

Before I ever confronted him about the magazines, I noticed they were gone the next day. I gave him the silent treatment about them for a whole month because I “knew” he was looking at it. Meanwhile, I was doing sins of my own in my mind and heart.  I idolized and cheated with another man from my past in my mind, I was angry at God for allowing this to tear me and hubby apart. Most of all, I wanted to numb the pain I felt.

  

When my husband finally pulled the truth out of me about why I acted the way I did, I told him about what I found.  His temper always got to me, and this made me unable to communicate with him properly for the past month. Abusive relationships from my past also had a huge impact on my communication with him. But he remained calm this time and never showed anger. He showed nothing but patience and hurt. He found out what I was hiding and knew I had been thinking of another man. He was torn.

  

Hubby told me that he had forgotten all about the magazines in the shed, and he noticed them on the top shelf when we were both cleaning it out that day. He told me he took them to the dumpster when I left to see a friend. We cried.  However, the mistrust in him returned when I began checking up on my past love again. The problem was I never got over him since before hubby and I met. My past love hurt me emotionally, and I was addicted to him for 14 years. It didn’t matter how much he hurt me. It was toxic, and I couldn’t find a solution on getting over him. I tried dating many other men to overcome how I felt about him. It worked for a while, but I always began thinking about him again. That’s when I became jealous of the current boyfriend I dated. Why?  Because I was doing wrong in my mind and heart. I committed adultery in my heart. When I did this to hubby, who I strongly believe has only done this behind my back twice now, I felt ashamed, torn, angry at myself, and dirty. Most of all, I felt God wanted nothing to do with me until I met Ginny Hamlin.

  

I met her online, and I trusted her and felt connected for some reason. I felt God wanted to speak through her to me.  And He did.  At the time, I still believed hubby was watching pornography because of my own love addiction to my past love. Now, I trust hubby. I believe him with all my heart that he doesn’t watch it anymore and that God is working on him.

  

Ginny got cut off from our initial online conversation; we both knew Satan was trying to disrupt our conversation. But we got reconnected.

  

The number one book Ginny suggested that I read was The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. I read the book quickly, and it changed my life. It also changed my marriage for the better. I learned not to pray for changes in hubby but change ME. Take away all my flaws and make ME the wife he needs me to be. Then, pray for hubby.

  

We were both without jobs. I pray each day for us to use our finances well and pray that we use them for the benefit of the Lord. I pray that we spend wisely. Now, hubby has the job of his dreams! And we are both giving to the church. I am in college, about to graduate, and have a part-time job, which will transfer to full time.

 
 

Hubby has no friends, and I don’t have many friends. My best friend moved far away, and I have another best friend who I don’t get to see much. I pray for me and hubby to meet other Christian married couples and build Godly relationships. Our pastor introduced us to a married couple last Sunday at our church who wants to get to know us. My prayers are coming true, and Christ is working on us.

 

My mom called me last week, and I have always had a bad relationship with her and my sister. Lately, my guilt has eaten away at me over how I treated my sister all these years. I want to make it right and spend time with her. My entire family notices a difference in me. My mom and I cried together. It was a humbling experience. I don’t feel like God is out to punish me any longer. I feel like He wants me to share my experience with other women.

  

Ginny and I connected for a reason, and He made that happen. I discovered that the way I felt about my past love is not real. It’s a love addiction.  I try my best to forget about him, and I no longer have trust issues with hubby. I pray for God to remove my temptation of thinking of my past love each day, and He does.  It was my thinking that was the problem, and that’s what Christ was trying to reveal to me all along. All that time, I believed hubby needed changing.

  

Sometimes, hitting the bottom to pain can lead to a joyous relationship with Christ that you never imagined. Ginny taught me to surrender to Him. He is the way to freedom.  Other books on my list to read are:

 

• Boundaries by Dr. James Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud
• God Is Not Mad at You by Joyce Meyer
• The Love Dare by Stephen & Alex Kendrick

 

Everything goes great when I confess, pray, and submit myself to the Lord each day.  I no longer live in fear but in faith. I am no longer lost. I try to play nothing but Christian music 24/7 in my home and in my car, and it keeps my focus on Christ. I thank Him each day for changing my life, my marriage, and my heart. I am also thankful that I met such a wonderful friend (Ginny) who I believe is a true messenger of His!

 
 

~ Anonymous Wife ~

October 10, 2013